Email Bug

Subject: How is this Possible?

Date: August 4, 2025, 7:32 PM

From: achingandy@somethingmissing.com

To: smeltonsmallwheels@buythis.com

You know, I just don't understand why these things have to happen, Smelton. I order the VW Bug in good faith and pay what little money I have left and then the order comes in all nice, sure. But how am I supposed to use this thing without a remote? Huh? Tell me that, Smelton. Tell, Smell! I smell my own fury right now. It's all over me and all over everything in this stupid, one-bathroom hole. Do you know what it's like to share a bathroom, Smelton? It's like you need to shower or the other thing and you just can't. It's like you know what you need but it's just not happening because someone else wasn't considerate. They didn't take the time to think about somebody else. They just saw dollar signs and the neighbor's Corvette and decided to ride off to that lousy motel room and just...Smelton, you can't do this to me. You just can't. The Bug is sitting there gleaming and needing to be driven around my piece of shit house and it needs it now. Oh God, that meeting took three and a half hours today. I was even thinking about the neighbor's Corvette for God's sake. I checked my phone a hundred times. I got the email saying they'd delivered the car of my dreams, even if it is a mini. I know I'll never own a real VW Beetle or Bug, as I call them because I can't get excited about a beetle. I didn’t even like the band. That's right. I said it. Did you like the Beetles, Smelton? No, I bet you're a KISS fan because you like to set somebody up with a dream and then jerk it away so they can KISS it good-bye. You laugh at that. Don't you? Why do you even sell things online? Is your life so empty? Are you this much of a monster? Are you wanted by the FBI? I wish they'd catch you, Smelton. I wish they'd lock you up with no internet and then you'd know how it feels to want something so bad and not get it. That Bug is everything. I will never get over this or broken promises. My life is just one broken promise after another. I hate everybody. But I really hate you, Smelton. I'm going to look up the FBI's number and I'm going to report you for fraud. Then you'll be locked up in the big house and you won't destroy anybody else's dreams, Smelton. You'll be smelling a lot of things you don't want because then YOU will get to live in a place with one toilet. One damn toilet, Smelton. My neighbor has three bedrooms and a wrap-around driveway. Oh, I could wrap my hands around his neck and squeeze until every perfect porcelain tooth trickles out of his head. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! I'm not done with you, Smelton. I'm making plans. And I can make plans. I plan things out. Did you know that? No, you don't. Well, this will be my biggest plan yet. No stupid park water fountains. Oh, no, Smelton. I'm going to plan out your undoing, step-by-step. Now, those meetings won't be so boring after all. I hope you're shaking, Smelton. I hope you're thinking about what your life's going to be like soon. You're going to miss your fraud days. It's over for you and my neighbor better watch his spray-tanned butt, too. Can you believe that? She lay there like a drunk rabbit while he serviced her account, bouncing that spray-tanned butt up and down, also like a drunken rabbit. You ever been cheated on, Smelton? Hhmm? You ever felt real pain in your life? I hope you have. I know you're going to. Watch your lying fingers and shut down your online “Store”. I'm coming for you and there's nothing you can do about it. I am chaos. I am the planner. You are the planned…disaster.

Subject: (No Subject)

Date August 4, 2025, 7:41 PM

From: achingandy@somethingmissing.com

To: smeltonsmallwheels@buythis.com

I found the remote taped to the box behind some peanuts. Thanks.