Um, Um, Uber

Fairfax & Glew Flash Fiction

Mrs. Truckston inspected her left index fingernail while her son Herb held her right hand. She blew on the pink nail, which bore a slight resemblance to Pepto Bismal pink but she didn’t mind. Efficiency makes the world go round, after all.

Herb felt his mother turn her focus on himself. She said, “Easy, dear. Take it slow so you stay on the nail.”

“Yes, mother.”

Herb squinted at his work. With any luck, his focus would carry him through to another successful job at making his mother’s nails shine. After all, she had a date tomorrow night.

Mrs. Truckston flipped through the channels. “You want to watch our baking show?”

“Sure. I hope they have one on muffins. I have a pack of blueberry mix in there just crying out to me. I...hold on.”

Mrs. Truckston sighed.

Herb checked his phone. “Well, I have a job, mother. Maybe we can watch it later.”

She groaned. “Do you have to do your Taxi stuff?”

Herb placed the polishing brush back in the tiny bottle and stood up. “I’m not a Taxi driver, mother. I’m an Uber driver. I’ll be back in a couple of hours.”

She blew on her nails. “Watch out. You might smell blueberry muffins when you get back.”

Herb placed his hands on his hips with sass and leaned toward her. “Well, you better be a share bear with them.”

She chuckled and accepted a kiss on the jaw from her only son. Then she patted his chubby jaw and told him to be careful.

Herb climbed into his car and made his way across Hookville to Bird-in-the-Bush Apartments and parked and let his client know he’d arrived. She was prompt with her entrance into his back seat and said, “Hi. Herb, is it?”

She wore a light blue jacket over a tan dress. She could have been a muffin herself.

Herb said, “That’s right. Jenn?”

She set her purse in the seat next to her. “I am. Take me to-

“You look quite nice.”

She grinned. “Well, thank you. Just take me to Baldy’s Grocery first.”

Herb cruised through the complex parking lot. “Just running some errands?”

“Yes. My car’s in the shop. I dropped it off at Phillip Jordan Auto Mall a while ago.”

“They’re very convenient. Did they give you a ride back here?”

“They did, although...the guy who drove me over was a mechanic and bless him, he was a real brute. You’d think he was raised in a cave.”

Herb scoffed. “Well, you won’t get that treatment in this car, miss ma’am. You’re too civilized for all that.”

Jenn chuckled and brushed her hair back.

He said, “You strike me as a lady who runs things. Do you own your own business?”

“Oh, gosh no. I teach English at Lurnem High School.”

“Wow, I went to Lurnem. How do you like it?”

Jenn talked about her work and Herb asked a few questions. The conversation was back and forth, with each giving as good as they got. He dropped her off at Baldy’s and then thirty minutes later, he drove her to Dorkstrum’s Office Supplies where she picked up a few things for school and then over to Buffalo Wild Wings for some takeout. Herb said, “Did you get lots of sauces? I like to get at least five and just like my fingers after every bite.” He licked each finger and made “Umm” sounds each time. “Umm, umm, umm, umm!”

Jenn rocked back and cackled. “Well, how about that? I’m boring. I only got ranch.”

Herb made a few more comments and she engaged with each one on the way back to her place at Bird-in-the-Bush apartments. He parked and climbed out and opened the door for her. She climbed out with all her bags and tottered a bit. He took hold of two of the bigger bags and offered to carry them to her door. She touched his arm and sighed. “Thank you. You’re such a gentleman.”

Herb carried the bags on upstairs behind her on to her front door. She unlocked it and then set the bags inside and turned back and smiled. “Thank you so much. Herb was it?”

Herb nodded and gave her his best grin. “That’s right, Jenn. I’m not just a Herb. I’m the spiciest Herb.”

She chuckled again. “That’s great. Well, I’ll-

“Say, Jenn? Could I take you to Buffalo Wild Wings some time?”

She cleared her throat and looked down at her shoes.

Herb did the finger licking routine. “Umm, umm, Umm!”

He followed that up with a hearty laugh.

Jenn made an awkward face. “Well, I...”

“Aw. You got a boyfriend. All the good ones are taken.”

“No, Herb. I...I don’t.”

“Aw, so then we can-

“I...I’m not interested in dating you, Herb.”

“Oh?”

She touched his forearm again. “Really, you’re a swell guy but you’re not my type. I’m really sorry, Herb.”

Herb’s chest tightened. “Oh. Um, well...”

Jenn gave him a little wave and said, “Have a great night.” Then she closed the door.

Herb rubbed his chest on his trudge down the stairs. Then he climbed back into his car. He had a new text message. It was his mother. He texted her back that he could pick up some Pam to grease her baking pan. He made a good baking partner at least. And besides, she had a date.