Bargain Attic, Part 3

A Fairfax & Glew Tale

Shu-urup-rup.

Barney leaned his head into the darkness. Something slurped an empty straw. “All right, now. You best get on out of there, now. Some of us ain’t afraid to defend our neighborhood.”

Shu-rup.

“You answer me.”

Shu-rup.

“All right, smart guy. You asked for it!”

He tromped down the stairs. “Yahhhhh!!”

His leg bumped into something. He staggered onto the floor. His foot hit against something else. He turned and ran into something else. The slurping continued. He pawed his way to the wall. He found a light switch. “Now.”

He flipped the switch and put up his dukes. Five men lay on the floor, bound with duct tape. The slurper sat against the wall, slurping.

Damn.

A human hog.

He staggered back over to the stairs. “What in the...”

He pointed to the slurper. “Talk, you!”

The slurper stared at the wall. A bound man in a dress shirt and tie mumbled something. Barney took a step up. The tie man pleaded. Barney rubbed his gut. A Snickers bar sat in the corner. He stepped over and snatched it up. Then he stepped over to the tie man and pulled the tape from his mouth. The man gasped. “Thank you, mister.”

He breathed whiskey.

Barney covered his nose. “Oh, lord.”

The tie man said, “Listen-

Barney pointed to a man who lay on the floor with sunflower seeds all over his chest. “I know you! You cut me off at the gas station and laughed about it. I remember, you scoundrel!”

The man didn’t move.

The tie man said, “Listen, mister-

“What happened? Somebody decided to bust up the underbelly of this rotten town? You all look like lowlifes all right. I’m going to let the law sort you out.”

The tie man said, “You got us all dead to rights. No doubt about it. And I can tell you this. We all deserve to be down here. We were going to rip Rubby off.”

“See? I knew it. So who put you all down here?”

“I don’t know.”

Barney shook his head.

The tie man smiled.

“What?”

“It can be you.”

Barney raised his chin. “Really?”

“I shit you not. We didn’t end up taking anything. So you let us go and we’ll tell everybody we know that you straightened us out and kicked our asses and then threw us back out like little fish.”

“You would do that. Huh?”

The tie man nudged another tie man’s leg. “Right, guys?”

The others faced Barney and nodded and pleaded through their tape.

“Cut us loose and everyone will know that they don’t hit Lawd Street. Never again! Just think of it. You’ll be a hero. Besides if the cops show up, they get us for what? Trespassing? That’s nothing.”

“Where are the fellows that put you down here?”

“No idea.”

The front door closed upstairs.

The tie man’s mouth dropped open. “That’s them.”

Barney slipped up the stairs. He paused at the door. The front door creaked. He walked to the living room. The front door stood open a few inches. He pulled it open. A red Jeep Wrangler sped by and made a turn off the street in a blur.

Barney smiled.

***

Glew turned out of Lawd Street. “Man. Who do you think that guy was back there?”

“I’d say a neighbor.”

Glew stopped at a red light and checked his rearview mirror. Fairfax said, “I wouldn’t expect him to come after us.”

“What do you think he’ll do?”

“He might call the cops. Or he might just leave them down there. It’s hard to say.”

“And if he calls the cops?”

“No big deal. Those guys will have to tell them why they were in the house. Even if they name us and describe us, they don’t know who we are for sure. They don’t have anything.”

Glew rubbed his forehead. Fairfax pointed at the green light. “Hey, bud.”

Glew blinked. “You don’t think we should go back?”

“No. That guy is probably all right, but you can’t ever tell. We dabble in some touchy business. A lot of folks wouldn’t understand and he might tell the cops about us and we don’t need that.”

Glew drove through the now-yellow light. He turned up the radio where the local WHOO station played a commercial where a deep male voice said, “Man, what a day.”

A female voice responded, “Hey, bud. What’s got you in the dumps?”

The male voice said, “I tried my best but it just wasn’t good enough.”

“Aw, I bet you did fine.”

“You think so?”

“I don’t know. But I know this. A Fistfiller beer always picks me up.”

“Really?”

“That’s right. You grab you a five-pack and melt your worries away.”

“Don’t you mean a six-pack?”

“No, sugar. “If I’m going to listen to your problems, you can let me have one. Can’t you?”

“I reckon so, sweetie. You want to see my baseball card collection, too?”

“Just the beer, sugar.” She followed that up with a giggle and plugged the beer again.

Glew drove by Scott Lott’s house as they neared the country. Scott sat on his tailgate in his driveway. Portler sat next to him with his arm on his shoulder. A whole bunch of beer bottles littered the truck bed and ground. Scott must have been blubbering to him about his wife leaving.

The radio played Bill Withers’ “Lean On Me” about the time that Roberta sent Fairfax a text message. It indicated that her ex called, blubbering and that she talked to him for a while about a lot of stuff going on with him but that she wanted to talk to her real man.

Glew parked in Fairfax’s driveway. Fairfax got out. “See you, bud.” He shook Glew’s hand and paused. “Damn. Is that your hand or a bag of cotton balls?”

Glew slumped. “I’m real sorry, stud.”

“For what?”

Glew held his club up. “Your shoulder.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“I could have hurt you and here you were fighting those guys. That could have been bad.”

“Nothing happened.”

“But it could have.”

“Well...yeah, it could have.”

Glew rubbed his eyes.

“Things happen. We’ll get you in at Krong’s. The old man could use a new membership for rent money.”

Glew’s eyes widened. “How much is a membership?”

“Not very much, cheap ass.”

Glew wore a sad grin.

“Really. It’s all right. You’ll get better and that’s all a fellow can do.”

Glew gave him a “thumb’s up” sign.

“I need to holler at Roberta. We had a good night tonight. We let them boys know that they’ve got enemies now.”

“That’s true.”

“Get a good night’s rest. I’ll see you tomorrow. You stopping by Waffle House?”

“I don’t deserve Waffle House.”

Glew puttered down the road.

That poor fellow needs to go to Krong’s so he can whoop somebody besides himself.

***

Brad, Chad and Tad sloughed into Brad’s place at Sneaky Squirrel apartments. Chad sat down. Then he groaned and rushed into the bathroom and hurled. Brad cracked open a beer and handed one to Tad. They crumpled onto the sofa and groaned. Chad blew chunks. Brad said, “Ugh.”

Tad set his beer down and rubbed his head. “Who the hell were those guys?”

Brad sighed.

Like I know.

Tad placed the beer to his forehead. “Rubby really dropped the ball here. We’re going to have to give him a little bad luck.”

“He’s gone to Houston.”

“What?”

“I stopped by the store before Regal Peter’s. Today was his last day. He gave us a farewell present...along with those other crumbs.”

Tad took a drink. “Man. So he told those guys. He knows them somehow.”

Chad nodded. “I’ll go ask her in a day or so if any odd characters came in.”

“That’s a good idea. So...”

“Yeah?”

“You going to tell the big guy about this?”

Chad set his beer down. “Hey. This was off the record. Hell no.”

“Oh sure. Sure. Besides this sure makes us look weak. We can’t have that.”

Brad turned the TV on.

Tad rubbed his throat. “God, that oaf with that clothesline. I think something snapped inside.”

Chad bounded out of the bathroom and placed his hands on his hips. “Get me a beer!”

Tad leaned forward.

Chad raced back into the bathroom and hurled again.

Brad turned up the volume.

***

On a sunny Saturday afternoon, Fairfax replaced the spring clips in the caliper and then lowered Peony’s Lima bean-colored car off the jack in her driveway. She came outside. “Well?”

Fairfax pointed to the wheels. “You got your new pads and for half what any shop would hit you up for.”

“You’re such a good man, George. Here you go.” She handed him a wad of cash. Then she said, “Say?”

Fairfax set his toolbox in the Bonanza’s truck bed. “Yeah?”

“Come inside and sit for a minute after all that work.” Fairfax followed her inside and sat on her sofa where the TV played a news report about a man wanted for fraud a few counties over. She sat in the chair next to him. “I hear tell that the other night, a bunch of thieves tried to rob a house in town.”

Fairfax focused on the TV. “Is that right?”

“Over on Lawd Street. A whole mess of them. Like twenty.”

Oh, lord.

Don’t look at her.

It’s nothing.

Act like it’s nothing.

Because it is nothing...

“Good lord. What all did they take?”

“That’s the best part. They didn’t take a thing. A man stopped them and sent them packing.”

Fairfax wiped his nose. The smell of brake dust invaded his nostrils. He rubbed his eyes. “Dang it.”

“Oh, lord. Wash your face, George.”

The sting took over Fairfax’s eyeball. He raced into the kitchen and turned on the faucet and washed his hands. He closed his eyes. He fumbled around for her soap bottle. Once he had it, he squeezed hard, which felt like half the bottle dumping onto his hands. He worked the giant glob around and then rubbed his hands together under the faucet to get the soap off but it stuck there.

I’m drowning in a soapy nightmare.

This burn won’t go away.

Oh, lord.

Peony said, “Are you okay?”

He flexed his fists. Then he opened his eyes and washed the soap away from his hands and dabbed his eyes dry. He patted her arm. “I’m just fine.”

She had him join her back in the living room. The TV still displayed that wanted man’s scowling face. He pictured his own there in its place.

If the police had caught on and there was a witness like that guy across the street, Glew and me might be wearing orange. Uncle Altoid was right. I should have just gotten out. Why didn’t I listen?

Peony leaned toward Fairfax. “You okay, George?”

A figurine of a frowning judge sat on Peony’s book shelf. It stared at Fairfax with impunity. There’s a judge out there right now just aching for a case like this...aching to put them away.

“Dang. I’m sorry. I’m all right.”

“Take it easy.”

Fairfax shifted in his seat. “That’s a little hard to believe.”

She stared at him.

“About the guy fighting the thieves.”

“My friend told me that an older man lives over there. His name is Barney and he’s not much to look at but he took care of them all. He’s a one-man neighborhood watch. A veteran, too.”

“My gosh. I’d be scared to death in a situation like that. He must be a powerhouse.”

“There ain’t no doubt about it. I can sleep way better with men like him in the world.”

“Me, too.”

“George. Why don’t you have you a family and a good job? You’re more than capable. I mean, what do you get up to at night? Especially with your Uncle Altoid gone?”

“I have hobbies.”

“Say. I have a friend who has a real pretty daughter. You should take her out sometime. You need a good wife. It will make all your life more fulfilled than any boring old hobby.”

“It’s not usually boring.”

“You just let me know when and I’ll set you up.”

“Thank you, Peony. I’ve got to be going.”

“Is that an emergency? You have to get to your hobby? You must care an awful lot about it.”

“We can’t all be heroes. Besides, credit lounges while passion labors.”

“Huh?”

“See you later, tater.”

Fairfax left and called Glew and asked him about prowling for more punks tonight but Glew said, “No, stud. I’m going to wander around town tonight. I’ve been running into a few familiar faces lately. I’ll see if I can scare up some more business that way.”

“The cheap way?”

“See you, stud.”