Bargain Attic, Part 2

A Fairfax & Glew Tale

Fairfax crawled into the first bedroom and got into position. Glew hunkered in the bedroom across the hall. Any intruder would have to pull the door down and leave himself exposed to Fairfax from one side and Glew from the other.

Someone turned the front door knob. Glew gripped his club. Fairfax watched him. Glew nodded to him. Fairfax blinked and then looked toward the front door. The same someone fidgeted with the door lock. Glew adjusted his hat. Fairfax worked his arms back and forth.

Glew checked the time on his phone. Fairfax leaned on the door frame. The would-be intruder fidgeted with the lock. Glew turned the club over in his hands. He smelled it. Fairfax called it maple inside of a few seconds. Surely the scent tipped him off. A person couldn’t tell just from sight here in the dark. Then again, Fairfax knew a lot that most folks didn’t know. His keen awareness got them through some tight spots. He always appeared ready for...

Fairfax had his eyes closed. The front door lock fidgeting continued. Glew checked his phone clock again. He shook his head. The lock clicked. He turned to Fairfax. The stud’s eyes popped open and he got into position. Glew did the same.

The doorknob turned. The intruder stepped inside and sealed the door closed like a husband grabbing a late-night sack. He wore kakis and loafers. He slipped his hands into his pockets and whistled his way through the kitchen and then returned to the living room. He pointed to the attic and nodded behind himself as if a friend joined him in his pursuit. He approached the attic with whistles and bulging pockets. Fairfax got ready. Glew raised his club.

The intruder’s phone rang with the “Like a Boss” by The Lonely Island jingle ring tone. Fairfax leaned back. Glew covered his mouth. The intruder cleared his throat and buttoned his Polo shirt. Then he answered, “Hi, Dad.”

Glew scratched his head with his club.

The intruder strolled to the wall and sat down against it. He kept his back straight as if he sat at a desk and the boss passed by. “Yes, sir. Work has been capital. Yes. I’m looking into a promotion. Yes, sir. Mr. Sneller says I have more potential than half the fellows there. He says I truly understand how to take advantage of a situation and Dad, I’m looking to take advantage. Yes, sir. I’m soaring up the ladder.”

What in the world?

This guy is robbing a house?

Fairfax and Glew sat through a conversation about how the private sector is growing and shrinking at the same time.

What does that even mean?

The intruder said, “That’s right, Dad. One day, Theodore Jamison, Jr. will be running the place. You have a capital evening and tell Mother that I love her.”

He slid the phone into his pocket. Then he whistled his way to the attic door where he rubbed his hands together. He pulled the string.

Glew rose up half-way off the floor. Fairfax sprang onto “Theodore” and dragged him backwards across the living room. Theodore clawed at the air but found nothing. Fairfax pinned him down and called for Glew to tape his ankles together. Glew pulled the duct tape from his pocket and then stared at them with his club in the other hand. Fairfax watched Glew. “Tie him. What are you doing?”

Glew tossed the club into the wall. Fairfax’s mouth dropped. Glew tore off a piece of tape. He bent the square of tape, sticking both sides together. He threw it but it stuck to his hand. He shook it. Fairfax glared at him. He pulled the tape off. It stuck to his other hand. He bit into the roll and got another piece going. He wrapped Theodore’s wrists together. Fairfax yanked the tape away from him and bound the wrists.

Theodore said, “Now, gentlemen. This is no way to build credit.”

Fairfax picked Theodore up in his arms like a new bride and carried him to the basement door. Glew pulled the door open. Fairfax carried him down a couple of steps. He turned back. “Um...light?”

Glew stepped down. He stepped alongside the two and shoved. He shook his head and crawled down underneath them and then flipped his phone’s flashlight on. Fairfax huffed and carried Theodore down and set him on the floor. Glew flipped the light switch. An overhead light lit up the room which lay bare aside from a Snickers bar.

Hey, it hasn’t been opened.

Glew approached the candy bar. Fairfax flipped the light switch off and grabbed Glew’s arm. “What are you doing?”

Glew swallowed.

Theodore said, “You really should let me teach you about credit. It’s the smart man’s way to fortune. Credit lounges while passion labors.”

“Not interested.”

Theodore winced. “Now, now. I have to report for work in the morning.”

Fairfax duct-taped Theodore’s his mouth shut. “That’s a shame.”

***

The second intruder hit ten minutes later. He lumbered his layers of heft across the floor with foundation-fracturing steps toward the attic door. He slurped a big gulp in one hand and carried a second big gulp in the other hand. “Um-hhm.”

He killed the first big gulp and tossed it onto the floor. Then he slapped his own face a few times and pulled the attic door string. Fairfax rushed him. Glew hit his fat shoulder with the club.

The intruder held his hands in the air. Fairfax shoved him against the wall. The intruder squealed. Fairfax slapped the wrists together. Glew wrapped them ten times, leaving half the roll remaining. Fairfax took the intruder’s arm and pushed him toward the stairs. The intruder trudged through. He paused at the basement door. Fairfax shoved him. “Get on.”

Glew raised his club. “Yeah.”

The intruder squealed. Then he blubbered. Fairfax said, “Aw, hell. Move your ass.”

Fairfax shoved the behemoth down the stairs. The intruder squealed on each step. He mixed in more blubbering. Fairfax pushed him with one hand and covered his ear with the other. Glew followed with that damn club raised. They got the guy down to the bottom and backed him to the wall and shoved him down to his rear end. They taped his ankles and then finished off the roll on his mouth. He squealed and jerked around like a pig with a personal crisis. Glew held the light on him. The head grew redder and swelled. Glew said, “My God. I think it’s going to burst.”

Fairfax dragged Glew upstairs. He closed the door. He paused and leaned toward the door. The squeals carried through the duct tape all the way up. “Man. What a pansy.”

Glew slapped his club into his own hand. “The club didn’t hurt him but it sure got his attention.”

“It takes practice. I thought it was a good hit. Steady, Glew. There could be more.”

Glew got back to his spot and patted the club and whispered “thanks” to it.

Fairfax said, “Watch that damn thing.”

***

The next intruder kicked the front door. It cracked. They kicked it again. It buckled. They kicked it again. It blew open. The intruder entered and spat. Something scattered on the carpet. A second intruder entered behind the first. They stood lean and the same height. They both wore black jeans and burnt yellow pullovers. If the one could kick like a mule, the other could. The second turned and tapped the door with his foot. The first one patted his shoulder.

All right.

The first one approached the attic. Fairfax turned the corner and slammed a left hook into the guy’s gut. He doubled over and spat, leaving another load on the carpet. The second one weaved in the doorway. Glew approached him with his club ready. The guy turned. His jaw puffed out. Drool hung from his lip. Fairfax got the first guy wrapped up with duct tape. He tossed the tape to Glew. The second guy turned toward the wall. Glew shoved him into it and taped his wrists. Fairfax studied the floor. “You boys like sunflower seeds. Huh?”

They marched the kicker and the drooler down into the basement where they taped their ankles. Glew paused. Fairfax said, “What?”

“I don’t know. I’m not sure I should tape his mouth shut with a jaw full of seeds like that.”

Fairfax slid over and drew back his fist. The drooler opened his mouth. The seeds sunk onto his shirt.

“There you go.”

Glew winced. “Gross.”

Glew taped the guy’s mouth. The gulpy guy squealed through the tape again. Glew stood and pointed. “Man, that head’s about to pop.”

Fairfax pulled him up the stairs.

“Don’t you want to see this, stud?”

Fairfax got him up the stairs and shut the basement door. “What I want to see is you get us another roll.”

“Huh?”

Fairfax pointed to the bare duct tape roll in his hand.

“Oh yeah. I’ll be right back.”

Glew slipped back inside and approached Fairfax. He pointed to the open front door.

Glew said, “Huh?”

“Looks kind of obvious. Don’t it?”

“Oh, right.”

Glew shut the door and returned to his position.

Fairfax said, “You all right?”

“Yeah...I mean...yeah. I’m-

“Shshhh.”

Chatting and chuckles flowed in through the front door. “Well, now. Someone might have beat us to the goods.”

“What? Aw, man.”

“Don’t wet your kakis. We’re not going to be stopped on this night!”

The intruder shoved the door open. Then he hiccuped. He strolled inside, followed by two other men. They wore suits without sport coats. The first one reached the center of the living room and got into a stance. Then he practiced his golf swing. “Swing and a-

The second guy said, “Swing and Miss!”

The third guy said, “Dupe and Pew!”

The second guy doubled over. “I’m about to Dupe and spew.”

The guy hurled onto the carpet. The third guy waved his hand by his nose. The first guy took another swing. “Fore!”

The hurler rose and wiped his mouth. He pointed toward the attic. “To the Ping!”

The two guys staggered toward the attic. The other guy swung again and tripped, toppling to his knees. Fairfax leaped from his position and clotheslined the two guys. They folded like flip phones. Fairfax got to his feet. The swinger charged into his gut. He wrestled the guy to the floor. The guy shoved him down to the floor with a bull’s force. He clamped down on Fairfax’s neck. Fairfax grabbed a handful of vomit and sweared it in the guy’s face. He coughed and leaned back.

Bam!

Fairfax said, “Ah! Damn it. What are you doing?”

Glew stood over him holding the club. The fore guy rubbed his face and then stood and drew his fist back at Glew. Glew dropped the club. Fairfax smashed the guy’s jaw with a right. He dropped to the floor.

Whoomp.

Fairfax heaved. “I told you to watch that damned thing.”

Glew stood there with his mouth hung open. Fairfax rubbed his shoulder and then got on the other two guys and held them down. “Give me the tape, damn it.”

Glew got the intruders taped up. Fairfax worked his shoulder back and forth. “Now there’s a full day’s work right there.”

They carried the three men downstairs. Gulpy squealed through the tape. The head bulged. Fairfax said, “Damn, man. Shut up.”

Glew nudged his shoulder. “Hold on.”

“What?”

Glew raced upstairs. A Snickers bar shined beneath the light overhead. Fairfax stepped toward it. Glew returned with a big gulp cup. Gulpy stopped squealing. Glew tore the tape from his mouth and placed the cup in his bound hands. Gulpy sipped from the cup and then stared straight ahead. Glew said, “All better.”

Fairfax said, “Get your tail upstairs.”

They shut the door and returned to their positions. Something moved in the window across the street. A man? A dog? It disappeared.

Glew said, “It’s midnight. How long do you want to wait this thing out?”

Fairfax grimaced and rubbed his shoulder.

“I’m sorry, stud.”

“The house is sold. Who knows when the new owners will move in?”

“Will they even want to move in when they find all that downstairs?”

“I wouldn’t.”

Glew snickered. “Yeah, you would.”

“I’ll tell you what. Let’s give it one more hour.”

“And then what?”

“We’ll haul them out to Hooligan’s Hollow.”

“Man. That sounds like a lot of work.”

Fairfax hunkered against the wall. “That’s because it is.”

“All right. I’m going to rest.”

“Don’t fall asleep now. And be careful with that damn club.”

“I am sorry, stud.”

“Just watch it.”

***

Barney gawked at the house across the street through his living room window. His wife flipped through pages of a magazine that featured pictures of houses they’d never own. Barney crunched down on an oatmeal cookie. He scowled. “Dang it. These are too danged hot!”

She flipped another page.

“You can’t make this stuff up. Since eight o’clock, several men have gone in that house across the street and not one soul has come out. Now you tell me there’s nothing going on.”

She whipped a page. “Go to bed, Barney.”

“Like I’m supposed to sleep? Now Billy and his brother, um, Dubby? Tubby? Whatever. They gave me a spare key in case there was trouble. We common folks have to watch out for this street since the crime rate went up. That house is sold. There shouldn’t be anybody going in or out.”

“Those cookies are for the girls at work tomorrow. Besides you’re not supposed to eat this late. Your old bowels will blow.”

Barney stuffed his mouth with two more cookies. “I’ve heard enough of your gruff. You go to bed.”

“Fine. My pleasure. But don’t whine to me.” She slapped her magazine shut and marched to the bedroom. That same old blueberry lotion she put on lingered behind her.

She knows I hate blueberry...

Barney ogled the house. He checked his key ring. The spare key to eleven hundred twinkled at him. He narrowed his eyes. A shadow moved by the window. Another shadow moving in an empty sold house.

“I’ll show her that we’ve got to keep an eye out. Damn it.”

Barney crept out of his house and crossed the street. He reached the front yard of the sold house and ducked behind a bush. Now, at least five of the cars on this street did not look familiar.

How can folks not notice all this?

Barney stepped onto the porch and peeked through the windows. Nothing moved. Still, something stirred in there somewhere. His guts grumbled. He slipped the key in and entered the house.

Barney cleared his throat. “Billy? You in here? Dubby? Bubby?”

Now how did all those men get in here and disappear?

I don’t have hallucinations.

I don’t take dope.

Wait.

What is that?

He crept over to the hallway. He leaned over and sniffed the air. An odor grabbed his stomach. His guts rumbled. “Aw, my God. Some old bum must have...somebody has been in here!”

Barney stormed into the kitchen with his fists balled. “We’re going to fight you trouble-makers!”

The darkness closed around him. Anybody or anything could be in here looming in the shadows and waiting for a guy like him to enter. But they would never see him coming. He didn’t even know he was going to do it until a minute ago. He served as the x-factor to their plan...whatever that plan was.

He jogged through the house with his fists ready. “Come on and face me, you seedy sods!”

He stopped and leaned back against a well. Every room sat empty although an attic door remained unchecked as did the basement door beside him. He stroked his chin.

Attic?

Or basement?

The attic provided more opportunities for danger. He had to show them that he embraced the danger. He shook his fists and approached the attic.

“Oh.”

He leaned back against the wall and grabbed his side. That tea and all the jogging...too much excitement. He groaned his way to the toilet and dropped his Dickies. The toilet seat chilled his butt cheeks. He whistled. Then he leaned forward and hovered.

He flushed the toilet and stepped into hallway. He stared at the attic. He leaned on the wall. The basement door sat a fraction open...maybe...a tad. He groaned his way over and opened the door.